so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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