im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
