I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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