I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
