I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
