So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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