Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
