Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
