It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
