I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
