maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Terrible idea I love it
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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