I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
