I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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