my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
