At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i came on her dog
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
