I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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