god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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