someone threw a dead crab at me
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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