I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
