she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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