I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
