I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
