i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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