My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
