PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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