in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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