those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
