listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
