Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
