Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
