College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So much rum. So many feels.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
