In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
