I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he thought i was a dude.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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