The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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