hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
