Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
