I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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