You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
