kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
