I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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