I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
