I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
