If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
