Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
