I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
