so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
