11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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