I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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