meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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