dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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