even my farts smell like vagina
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
