Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
