My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So many bounce houses so little time
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
