The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
