just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
