pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
