Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
