you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
