dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize