my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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