You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I could make wine with my vomit
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
